I did not write this poem for the sake of writing a poem. This was an act of worship and an act of warfare against the internal battles I fought over the last 4 months. I know, it is really long. But I wanted it to be a full depiction of what I went through. Every line of the poem is exactly 7 syllables (in the Bible, the number 7 is symbolic of completion). Six two-lined stanzas appear throughout the poem to provide narration and framework to the story. I think that is a sufficient introduction. Enjoy.

My King

This poem tells of a journey,
Four months in a short story:

It’s been a difficult road,
By far, hardest of my life.
But human eyes could not see,
The abundance of my strife.

A fierce internal battle,
My faith – severely tested.
To see if my faith was real,
Was not left uncontested.

Vision, tasks, passion was stripped,
To build better foundations,
On values, love, truth, friendship,
And the Bible’s quotations.

I walked into the valley,
Was tested by the devil.
Not a battle of the flesh,
But at the spirit level.

August first, two-thousand ten,
The vicious battle begun.
And countless times since that day,
Wanted to give up and run.

A lie would enter my mind,
And then I would fire back.
Ev’ry minute, ev’ry day,
It was a constant attack.

Glance into battle scene,
A lie, then truth as vaccine:

You are insignificant.
You should have been aborted.
The universe has no God.
Your hopeless life is thwarted.

No, I am not! I am not!
Stop all these forsaken lies.
This shit is not from my God.
I keep my eyes on the prize.

You have lived the last five years,
For this so-called “Jesus Christ.”
But you wasted all your time,
He is nothing but a heist.

Jesus is alive! He is!
Death did not win over Him.
I will proudly waste my life,
In praise like the seraphim.

Judaism and Islam,
Eastern ones and thousands more.
With so many religions,
Can’t know which one will restore.

World history and logic,
Human need, reality.
The Bible’s got it covered;
For its truth will set me free.

People don’t need Jesus Christ,
He provides no inner peace.
He is not the way and truth,
Your freedom will surely cease.

I only know inner peace,
‘Cause I’m a son to my King.
Freedom and love will abound
When to the “I AM” I cling.

Give up on your distressed life,
Stop fighting, do not press on.
You do not belong to God.
From your life He has withdrawn.

I have the Holy Spirit,
Forever He lives in me.
And He cries “Abba! Father!”
“I am His son,” I decree.

As your dad deserted you,
Before the day of your birth,
Your God will abandon you,
Because your life has no worth.

Stop lying to me, devil!
Enough of your foul deceit!
God will never forsake me,
In Him I face no defeat.

All your prayers are pointless.
Myles, you will always fail.
The words you speak mean nothing,
And God’s Word will fall like hail.

My prayers feel unanswered.
How would I ever succeed?
The words I speak feel empty.
Is God’s truth power or creed?

At times, I did not respond,
And just wanted to abscond:

I would cry in bed at night,
Pray and hope for a new day.
The sun came through the window,
But again lies would replay.

These tortuous lies and more,
A tornado in my head,
Uprooted all inner peace,
And left me feeling brain dead.

Love, tenacity, sound mind –
Where on earth did it all go?
Confidence, courage, and strength –
Felt lost in a storm of snow.

Testimonies, prophecies –
Million miles away.
Stories from UCLA –
Memories of an old way.

Prayer was a boxing match,
I punched, scrapped, battled, and bled.
Would put my arms down to rest,
But took a shot to my head.

With my brothers and sisters,
I felt detached and inept.
Their encouragement and love,
So hard for me to accept.

Confusion and mind-racing,
Uncertainty, disbelief.
My mind constantly scrambled,
In pursuit of some relief.

Miracles, signs, and good deeds
No longer mattered to me.
No care about my impact,
As long as I was set free.

And the greatest temptation,
Not lust, hatred, or a lie.
But a mediocre life,
Lay down my dreams and comply.

But, as I walked on this sea
God and my friends carried me:

Glimpses of hope were present,
But I don’t credit myself.
For my body already gave up,
Put itself on the shelf.

God’s Spirit inside of me,
In midst of this depression,
Reminded me of Jesus:
Life, death, and resurrection.

He led me on a faith walk,
Through the rain, across the land,
Holding onto promises,
That felt like wind in my hand.

Though I did not see, I walked.
I did not hear. I followed.
I did not yearn. I obeyed.
I did not feel. I believed.

My journal is full of cries,
Black ink on tear-stained pages.
But now, the son is rising,
Through four months of dark ages.

From C-A, P-A, T-X,
K-S, N-C and A-Z,
Awesome brother and sisters,
Prayed for and encouraged me.

God heard all of their prayers,
Their words were not said in vain,
They caught my tears, held my heart,
And dressed the wounds from my pain.

Stand on truth, not on feeling.
Only His Word brings healing:

I thought Jesus had left me
But that was a straight up LIE.
Jesus said, “I won’t leave you.”
So that TRUTH I must apply.

Jesus! I repent for my doubts,
Help the unbelief in me!
Jesus, Your love is so great.
Only truth will set me free.

God’s one son died on the cross,
He took God’s wrath and death’s sting.
But now, Jesus is alive.
And that truth solves everything.

You see, Jesus Christ triumphed,
Over demons, death, and sin.
So now I’m free forever,
Life, peace and joy reign within.

That means, He paid for those lies,
And the inner turmoil,
I will now fight with victory,
And Satan’s plans will foil.

He uncovered smothered dreams,
To transform economies.
See spirit, soul, body healed,
In global societies.

Don’t want a theology,
That will only comfort me.
I want to glow like Moses,
Be a light for all to see.

Not a religion or rules,
Nor a nice philosophy.
I yearn for an encounter,
Between my Jesus and me.

God sent His begotten Son;
For my Father so loved me.
So now I am adopted,
A son in God’s family.

Nothing can separate us,
You gave me a wedding ring.
You are everything to me,
Jesus Christ, You are my King.

You gave me a wedding ring.
Jesus Christ, You are my King.

The gem cannot be polished without friction nor man perfected without trials. – Chinese Proverb

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. – African Proverb

For the first time in four years, I don’t care about the impact I have on the world. During my time at UCLA, one of my greatest desires was for God to use me to demonstrate Jesus’ love for people. Whenever I had the opportunity, whether through words or actions, I would do my best to love people as Jesus loves them. I would stay up all night (multiple nights a week) to talk with friends about their struggles, to help friends with essays, to tell people about God’s love for all humankind, to take care of drunk people, etc. This was what drove me. This was my passion. I loved to love people. Nothing brought me more joy than for people to see and understand how much God loves them and has a plan for their life.

In the last 3 months, I felt like that joy left me. The passion dwindled. I still desired to love people, but it didn’t BURN inside me like it did before. I couldn’t figure out why. I was confused. I didn’t feel that intense love for people that I once felt. I lost confidence in myself. I lost my confidence in God. I didn’t have rest in my soul. I didn’t have inner-peace. It was CRAZY. After I few weeks into this internal struggle, I woke up and realized God was taking me through a refining process to teach me A LOT of life lessons (I’ll probably blog more about those later). One of them was specifically about His love for ME. God cares so much more about ME as a person than the things I DO for Him.

I was so caught up in what I could do FOR God that I never truly entered the INTERNAL REST God has for me (and you too). In the last three months, as a father disciplines his son, God took away those passions to show me that life is NOT about what I can do FOR Him but about what He ALREADY DID for me. God sent His son Jesus to die on the cross and rise from the dead so that I can have REST in my spirit and soul and body. He died NOT so I could do things FOR Him, but so I could have FREEDOM. For four years, my identity as a follower of Jesus was soo tied to what I DID FOR GOD rather than WHO I AM TO GOD and WHO GOD IS TO ME. Then I realized I’m not suppose to do anything FOR God, but, from a place of internal rest, allow the Holy Spirit inside me to completely do ALL the work through me. Not more striving (but that lesson is a whole other blog post)! More importantly, I am God’s treasured possession, He is my life. I am God’s friend, He is my friend too. I am His beloved, He is Love. I am His son, He is my Father.

All in all, because of this fierce internal struggle (EASILY the most difficult struggle of my life), I want NOTHING MORE than to enter the rest God has for me. Nothing else will satisfy me. I’ve actually witnessed more miracles, healings, and people be set free from emotional burdens and sin in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 8 months. And even though I’ve seen all these cool things, I received VERY LITTLE joy as a result. Wow. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I sound like such a bad person. But it is the truth. I know I will have joy from it soon, but right now, it doesn’t matter a whole lot to me. I don’t care about the impact I have in the world because I so desperately want that internal PEACE that Jesus has for me!

I am glad God temporarily took those passions and desires away from me to teach me this lesson early in life. It’s not that the deep desire to love people was I bad thing. In fact, I KNOW God wants me to love people MORE than I did before. God just needed to take some time to make me stronger from the inside-out. To show me HIS love for me. To take care of my heart because that is what He cares about most. But after 3 months of battling, I am SOOO ready to have rest in my soul.

It’s coming soon. I feel it. Stay tuned.

Carl and I staying at a place called “Hilltop Cottage” during our stay in Pennsylvania. Although we will be staying with college students on various occasions, this house will act as our “base” and a place for our team hang out, plan, and spend time together. We decided to introduce the house to our friends in a, well, unique fashion. Check it out:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

“Love never ends.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.  When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

- 1 Corinthians 13

One may go a long way after one is tired. ~ French Proverb